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It’s been just over two weeks since we said goodbye to our little ones. I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading and pondering as I try to work through my emotions. I recently read a book that was given to me called “Gone too Soon.” It is a book specifically for those who have lost children. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has experienced the loss of children, and even those around them as it has great insight on how to act around someone who is grieving. This book was helpful as I deal with emotions that I have never felt before. I have never in my life felt that I had any reason to be angry or upset with God. Though my life hasn’t been perfect, I have always felt his hand and have thought that whatever has happened in my life in the past has been for my good. Try as I might, I have a hard time seeing what good has come from this experience. There has been some, I have felt the love of countless people including friends, past friends and acquaintances, family members, co-workers, church leaders, the list goes on and on. In fact, it is all of these people that keep me going. I have felt the prayers of all of these people. I also feel closer to my family and especially my dear husband. I got the opportunity to be a mother and I have two perfect children SOMEWHERE, just not here and now. Other than those things, the only other things I feel like I’ve gotten are pain and sorrow. At times I just want to be upset that God took those children away from me. I feel horrible and guilty for having that thought and for admitting that I have had that thought but I can’t help but feel it. Why would a God who loved me take away 2 of the people I loved most before I even got to know them or see what their little personalities would be like, or see if they had dark or blonde hair, blue or hazel eyes?

The book I read had a special chapter on the special grief a grandparent feels when their child loses a child. It talked about how they are not only mourning the loss of their grandbaby, but they are also suffering watching their child suffer. No parent likes to see their child in pain and I know my parents wanted to take away all of the pain we were feeling when we lost our little ones but they couldn’t. Though I don’t and won’t understand why this had to happen to us, I did gain a little bit of understanding as I applied this same thought to my Heavenly Father. Just like my parents here on earth He is our Father and He doesn’t like seeing us suffer, which is why He sent His son to suffer for us, so that He could take away our pain and our suffering. I also had the thought that children do not always understand that their parents are doing what is best for them. I’ve thought about a story that my parents told me about my childhood. I was always putting my fingers in the outlets and my parents would lightly smack my hand every time to teach me to stop. They didn’t want to hurt me, they were trying to keep me from danger/pain. While I don’t think that Heavenly Father is trying to punish me, I do think that I am no different than I was as a little child and I won’t understand why I have to go through this pain, but if I truly believe that God is our Father and that He loves us than I can trust that for some reason, we needed to have this trial, and it will be for our good in the end.

Amanda

Amanda is a dietitian turned mom and food blogger. Her goal is to change lives one family at a time by providing easy, from scratch, family friendly recipes that the whole family will enjoy!

This Post Has 5 Comments

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    H.L.S

    How can I possibly hope to comment on this in a helpful way? Take my comments with a grain of salt…I sometimes wonder whether I know what I’m talking about.

    When I was a little girl I was molested by a close family friend. It took me many years to see what good there could possibly be in a tragedy like that. It is completely senseless, just as the death of innocents. On the surface, there is no good in it at all. Over the years, the thing that I learned about personal tragedy is that God can take any situation and heal it in our hearts. That is one of the functions of the Atonement…and no matter what your personal tragedy is, the Atonement can and will speak to your soul to bring you peace. How long will it take? I don’t know. For me it was a kind of long time. I never did learn to see the sense in my situation…why it had to happen, or why I couldn’t have become the person I needed to be in some other, better way. I’m pretty sure I could have. But that’s not what happened, and it was important for me to accept that. I spent a lot of years muddling though the pain without using the Atonement to help me. Will we ever know why we suffer? We might not…but I now wonder whether the point is simply to learn to hold on to our Savior’s hand no matter what is happening. In my experience, “why” is a dangerous question for which there is rarely an answer. It tends to produce more pain, rather than reduce it.

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      amandaspackman

      So sorry you had to experience that, thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge of the Atonement to help others.

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    Beverly Hayes

    I love to read your posts Mandie. Hang in there…with time the pain will subside and the sweet memories of your two precious little one will remain with you until you get to see them again! Love you.

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    Carol Goode

    Amanda, I am so grateful for your willingness to share your very private and personal thoughts with others in the hope that your words will bless someone’s life. I want you to know that I have been blessed by reading your blog and feeling of your love and testimony of our dear Savior. In another blog I read yesterday, a woman shared an acronym that has given me much to think about. FAITH – Forsaking All I Trust Him.

    One blessing you may have overlooked is that your two precious children were so very perfect that they did not need to live on this wicked earth. They proved they were valiant in their pre-earth life and were granted the blessing of not having to prove themselves here on earth. You and Kyle, also proved yourselves valiant and worthy to be the parents of these precious children. You have the blessing of knowing that if you continue valiantly in this life, that your will have the privilege of raising your children in a much better place. I have one of those precious babies awaiting me in heaven. It gives me hope and courage to face life each day knowing that if Craig and I do our part we will receive that wonderful blessing. It was hard to lose that baby through miscarriage and it took my heart a while to heal, but now as I look back, I rejoice to know that at least one of my children has already earned the blessing of eternal life in the Celestial Kingdom. I wish I had that certainty that each of my other children will also claim that blessing.

    Another blessing that will come to you over time is the ability to have empathy for others who suffer similar challenges in their lives. Our Heavenly Father will bring into your life many people for the specific reason of you being able to help them through their struggles and you will be able to do that because you have already suffered through your own experience. One of the most important reasons we live on this earth is to have the experience of serving others. Amanda, you will serve others as you help them deal with their losses. This experience is preparing you for those future experiences. I have watched your wonderful mother as she has helped many others through their struggle with cancer. She can say, “I know how you feel” because she has been there. Those you help will be comforted to know you have been through your own struggle and survived it.

    I love you and your beautiful courage and spirit. Hold on to hope and faith.

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    Natalie Kay

    I do love you. Even though we do not know each other well- I love you and all your family/families. Have thought of you often. Was grateful that you allowed me into your world for just such a moment in time as the birth of your babies- I felt a sacred feeling in their presence and in your presence. I felt their spirits in that room that day. I have suffered my share of pain and sorrow but in other ways- I have found, if you allow it to, it will soften your heart, render you never to be judgemental of anyone ever, because you know not what they carry in their heart. It will make you more like Christ himself if you allow the process to happen, dismiss the negative thoughts best you can and just go day by day through the experience. Doing the best you can. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. Love/Hugs for both of you AND your families.

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