Change

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There’s been a change in me–
A kind of moving on–
Though what I used to be,
I still depend upon.
For now I realize
That good can come from bad.
That may not make me wise,
But, oh, it makes me glad.

And I–I never thought I’d leave behind
My childhood dreams, but I don’t mind.
For now I love the world I see.
No change of heart; a change in me.

For in my dark despair,
I slowly understood
My perfect world out there
Had disappeared for good.
But in its place, I feel
A truer life begin,
And it’s so good and real,
It must come from within.

The lyrics above are from Beauty and the Beast on Broadway.  I have found that in difficult times in my life I often turn to music for comfort, and I have pondered about this song often.  In fact, I even wrote about it several years ago on an old blog when I was having a difficult time.

It’s a strange thing trying to get back to “normal.” Our twins passed 1 month ago tomorrow.  I have resumed all of my previous activities, but nothing is the same.  I go to work and the people are all the same, but everything is somehow different.  At family parties everyone is the same but something is different.  Church is the same but different.  Home is the same but different.

I have realized that the thing that is different is me, I am different. Like the song says “in my dark despair I slowly understood, my perfect world out there had disappeared for good.”   This made me angry.  I was happier before.  More than anything I was innocent before.  I didn’t worry about loss. The old me thought that the nausea associated with pregnancy was the worst thing in the whole world. I now wish for the old me everytime hearing a baby cry hurts so immensely and reminds me of what I have lost.

Then I started thinking a little bit more and I wondered WHY I wanted to be who I was before. Who I was before was shallow, I am not saying this out of self pity or to be hard on myself, I was shallow because I had never experienced.  The things in my life that I thought were hard now feel so insignificant.  Who I was before cared too much about her social status, her hair, her clothes, how perfectly her home was decorated, and a multitude of other things that don’t matter.

The person I’ve become feels more deeply and even though it seems so much easier, and it probably would be easier to go back to the way things were before, I don’t want to give up the person I am becoming.  I want to be deeper.  Being deeper means feeling more sorrow, but eventually I believe it means I will feel more joy.

Being deeper means that because I lost two people who I loved more than I knew I had the capacity to love, I now love all of those who are still here with me with a greater capacity than I knew I had. Because I know that anyone can be taken from me at anytime, I will try to make every moment I have with those I love count.  I will try not to let petty, little things bother me.

The song continues to say “but in it’s place I feel, a truer life begin, and it’s so good and real it must come from within.”  If I could change the lyrics of this song I might change “within” to “above.” I like that the song says that this new world, or new life is not necessarily happier, it’s certainly not easier, but it is good, and it is real.

They say that at some point in the grieving process the person grieving accepts their loss and feels at peace with what has happened, and while I certainly don’t feel that I have hit that point yet, I wouldn’t want to give up this new me, even though the new me feels more sorrow the new me has the capacity to feel more joy.  The new me has the capacity to be more patient and recognize the important things in life.

A loved one sent me a talk to read by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf called “Continue in Patience.” One part of the talk said this.

Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.

I have pondered this so much thinking how could something SO painful be necessary for happiness? I think I am finally beginning to understand that the deeper I feel sadness, the deeper I will feel happiness.

I know that as time goes on the pain will dull and that I may forget some of these lessons, but I hope that this post can serve as a reminder to me and to each of you to not take life for granted. We all truly are so blessed and God is so mindful of us!

Oh, and if you haven’t heard the song I talked about you should listen to it here. It truly is beautiful and inspirational!