While I was in the hospital my little sister brought me a “positive thoughts counter.” It was a little clicker that I was supposed to click everytime I had a positive thought.  I have had many people who have been keeping up with my blog tell me how strong and hopeful I am and I feel like such a fake and a cheater because I don’t always feel happy or hopeful.  My “positive thoughts counter” really helped me to try to look on the bright side of things and to maintain hope.  

Now that I am home, I have thought about all of the people who have kept our little family in their thoughts and prayers and I have tried to use my positive thoughts to see how our prayers were answered.  Although I did not get the answer that I was so desperately hoping for, I got many other answers and I know that what happened for whatever reason was meant to happen and I have felt the answers of all of the prayers in our behalf.  I thought it might be helpful to all those praying to see how their prayers have influenced us so I decided to write about my answered prayers. 

  • Shortly after coming to terms with our options, that we would essentially be waiting to see whether or not the babies would come early I began praying.  I had both a plan A and a plan B option in my prayers.  Plan A was obviously that I would make it at least 4 weeks with no complications and that the babies would be born as healthy as preemie babies could.  My plan B was that if I was going to lose my babies that it would happen sooner rather than later.  Everyday that passed was a day of hope, but it was still so far away from how far we needed to go.  I couldn’t bear the thought of waiting two or three more weeks and still losing our twins.  Soon after this prayer it became clear that the babies were going to come.  I am grateful they came at 20 weeks when I knew there was no hope of saving them and I didn’t have to live with the question of “what if” or spend unnecessary time in the hospital. 
  • On a similar note, it is an answer to prayers that I didn’t have to watch my babies suffer in the NICU. I was very anxious about the idea that my babies would have to live the first months or longer of their lives being covered in tubes and being put through medical procedures.  Even just the simple procedures I’d received in the hospital were enough to traumatize me and I couldn’t bear the thought of having the same thing happen to my babies.  I also am grateful that they don’t have to live their lives with some sort of physical or mental handicap which could have happened as a result of being born so prematurely. They were completely perfect when they were born and they got to return to heaven in peace. 
  • The people who worked with us in the hospital, and at the mortuary when we buried our angels were answers to prayers.  Everyone treated us with so much empathy.  One nurse in particular a few days before I went into labor offered to wash my hair.  I was so grateful because I felt so grimey and dirty from spending three days in a bed.  It wasn’t an easy task because I wasn’t allowed to sit up at all so she had to do a lot of funny maneuvering and afterward she spent an hour in our room combing all of the tangles out of my hair and talking to us like friends, not patients.  I will never forget her and the selfless love that she showed to a complete stranger.  
  • It was an answer to prayers that I got to become a mother, even if it was for a short time.  I know this isn’t directly related to the prayers you are all offering for me now, but getting pregnant wasn’t easy for us and we wondered if we would be able to conceive.  I’ve never wanted anything more than how much I wanted to be a mother.  When my college graduation was approaching and I wasn’t pregnant I really didn’t know what to do because I was much more concerned about being a mom than I was about my career.  I am so grateful that because of modern medicine we were able to conceive and although my twins aren’t here with me that I am still their mother. 
  • I feel like strength beyond my own was an answer to prayers.  Before the twins were born I didn’t even think I would have the strength to hold them because of how painful it would be. I am so glad that my heart was softened and when they were born I didn’t want anything more to cuddle and love them even though they had already passed.  It was something that I never thought I would have the strength to do. 
  • It was an answer to prayers that I had a normal delivery.  Often when babies are born that early there are problems delivering the placenta and they sometimes have to do surgical interventions for everything to go how it’s supposed to.  We were lucky that both babies and the placentas were delivered completely normally and we didn’t have to go through additional procedures. 
  • All of you PRAYING are an answer to prayers.  I still can’t believe how many people have come out of the woodworks to serve us.  Knowing how many people love us and are rooting for us is one of the only things that is bringing me hope at this time in my life.  It is amazing to hear stories from both people we know, and perfect strangers who have some idea of what we are going through.

While there are certainly a lot of sorrows that I could be counting, and in my private time I can’t help but dwell on those sorrows sometimes, it is much more helpful to try to find the ways that the Lord is mindful of me and my life, and he heard every single prayer in our behalf through this experience.  Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers in our behalf. 

Amanda

Amanda is a dietitian turned mom and food blogger. Her goal is to change lives one family at a time by providing easy, from scratch, family friendly recipes that the whole family will enjoy!

This Post Has 3 Comments

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    Kerri

    I am a very less active member of the church- I stumbled across your blogs surrounding the loss of your twin babies. We lost our son in February 2015 (he was stillborn at 29 weeks). I question things more now than ever before. I just wanted you to know that reading your blog gives me hope. Thank you for that.

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      amandaspackman

      Hi Kerri, thank you for your comment. I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish no one had to experience the pain of losing a child! I would be lying if I said that our loss didn’t make me question my beliefs as well. I am glad something I said resonated with you and I hope you keep reading 🙂

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